Goldielocks, checkin’ in.

hey dudes, what’s going on? I promised I would get on here awhile ago and here I am with some stories to tell. Just to put this out there, I don’t have the glossary vocabulary down, so try to work with me, ok?

Alright, so my friends and I were out last weekend enjoying another near 80 degree day when someone had the great idea of buying some 40’s and chill out on our balcony. Next thing we know we’re calling out to some girls on the street and asking them if they want to join us, with a ‘what are ya’ll up to? Come have a beer’. They look at each other, look at us and next thing we know they ask what apt number we live in so they can come up. And just so you know, we just had a party the day before so our place had shit all over the damn place. So I tell my friends to do some last minute cleaning while I go down to get them and stall a bit. I race down the stairs and try to slow down just before I get in their view, but I stumble a bit and I see them chuckle it off. So I open the door with a bad joke -wasn’t meant to be bad, just was- “so, do guys fall all over themselves for you ladies all the time?”. It was just corny enough to get a nice set of smiles. So I get them upstairs, and our place is still a fucking pig sty, man. I mean, these dudes just took out some beers and sat them out as they made sure they got  a good seat on the couch. Damn it!

     Needless to say, the girls left after a quick beer. Though I still yell at my friends ‘fumbling’ (did I get that right?), they still say they didnt and the otcome was gonna happen anyway w or w/o them cleaning. Luckily, I did get one of the chicks number and will call her and let ya’ll know how that works out.

Oh well, 1 story down, many more to go, fellas.

Goldielocks

 

My retirement from TheseStreets

Looks like the day has come to hang up the jersey. There’s no ceremony, no confetti, nor any press conference. The time has come in a dude’s life where TheseStreets aint for him.

On this day, Wile E’s stint on the streets has come to an end.

In the past 5 weeks, here’s the bogus statline:

5 numbers received, 0 callbacks

20+ times I’ve gone out

0 smash sets, 0 slobdowns

At least $1,000 spent

Goodnight TheseStreets, Wile E will have to see you later.

 

Trade Secret #1: I Scream, You Scream

“…that moment buying her ice cream was probably – uh – that, that was it.” - Barack Obama

(on sealing the deal with a once resistant Michelle)

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Any girl will tell you, there’s nothing like strolling down the avenue on a hot, summer night with your hot man. It’s sooo romantic. And even more so if you’re on your way to an ice cream shoppe.

Time – that doesn’t involve going over to watch the game with you (which, more than likely, means little-to-no-attention paid to her, convenient half-time ass and the possibility of a home-cooked meal) – is the highest praise to a woman.

In a 21st century dating world filled with drive-by men, or footsoldiers voting present, women crave a man who is interested in being with her, becoming part of her life and not on some bullshit. And, if she’s not in ‘these streets’, labeled as thirsty, smashable nor has a palette for alcohol, I’ve always told men – who wanted a short-cut to some ass (for those Joan Clayton 3-month rule girls) or to get her off the fence of incertainty – to take their girl out for ice cream. It’s an extremely sincere gesture, which shows genuine interest, kindness, chivalry and sensitivity all rolled up into one. It’s the closest thing to a fairy-tale-beginning we modern girls are going to get.

So, the next time a hot, summer night falls upon your city or town, suggest taking a walk to get some ice cream. I assure you, it (time) will be well worth the investment.

One more thing…leave yo BlackBerrys or cell phones at home.

 

YouTube FIYA

I got two for you all this week….

Now, this is breaking my rule of posting videos on behalf of the little man tryin’ to make a come-up through YouTube, but the opportunity to clown Mr. Kobe Bean Bryant AKA Mamba is just too enticing. First, I don’t want anyone to roll up on me and say: “D B this video is hot fiya Kobe jumped over an Aston Martin going at least 30mph.” Let’s not even get into the whether this video is real or not, obviously it isn’t but some of you still probably check your closets for the boogeyman so I ain’t got the kinda time necessary to argue with you. So let’s go with the fact that of all Kobe’s ‘friends’ (and don’t get it twisted Kobe ain’t got no friends) this fool had to pay off Ronny Turiaf to be in the video. Ronny T got no intensity in this video, his ‘boy’ just jumped over a moving Aston Martin and all Kobe got was the same chest bump they give each other for first quarter and 1’s. This cat Turiaf was there solely to get enough loot to upgrade his rims, he don’t like Kobe, he was just the only cat on the Lakers that could tolerate him long enough to get a couple g’s.

Now, let’s imagine this video involved Pacman Jones jumping over cars and he brings his boys out to be the hype men and we all know Pacman Jones got real friends. I mean these fools shot up a strip club to recover Pacman’s loot after HE made it rain. You think Pacman is gettin’ just a chest bump after jumpin’ over cars, hell no, they pullin’ semi-autos and rainin’ shots in the streets, the camera man is catchin’ stray bullets and folks are jumpin’ around like skerrit bwoy (damn that skerrit bwoy reference is too funny now I gotta post a third video).

ROFLMAO, that cat is soooooo wild. Needless to say a Pacman Jones jumps Aston Martin video is five fiya balls easily and probably shuts down the YouTube servers, but the only redeeming thing about this Kobe video is that it’s a unique marketing technique.

And the response to Kobe’s video from Kenny ‘the Jet’ Smith on the best studio show in these streets…

These cats are FOOLS. That video is so ignant, with Kenny puttin’ the shoes on the wrong foot and the kicks just marinating in the street. Only on TNT, too funny. But there was an unintentional comedic effect of this clip and its Kobe’s over the top attempts to fit in with the ‘Inside the NBA’ crew. You hear Kobe in the background with those hard Hillary Clintonesque cackles and repeated tryin’ to fit-in phrases that no one was paying attention to. And why the hell is Kobe talkin’ during the clip!!? These are my favorite Kobe quotes that no one on the set responds to:

“Smooth very Smooth”

“Ahhhh Man, Ahhh Man”

“My guess is you not gonna be sellin’ any of those shoes”

“Ahhh Man, Ahhh Man”

“jet you have no hops brother”

I can’t give this video 5 fiya balls simply cuz it’s studio produced, but it is HIGH COMEDY intentionally and unintentionally which is really what YouTube is all about.

Needless to say, this Deron Williams needs to get Kobe in the next round though that ain’t gonna happen. I can hate on the cats personality but can’t hate on his game, these Lakers gonna win these Finals.

 

Ground Hog Day–Friday April 25th

I wish I could give a detailed description of the accounts of the evening in question, however, do to a night of stoli lemonades, black label on the rocks, patron shots, and other various scrong alcoholic drinks. I am simply referring all fans of D B Cooper to the happenings of April 11th 2008 with the following modifications: subtract pick-ups and add…

 

Sleepovers (Women)

‘Clean up your act.’ - DA

This is a post is about being ass-ready. And being ass-ready is the sine qua non of relationships. Now, if this blog weren’t called These Streets, I wouldn’t go there; but, since it is…

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Act I. First Thing’s First

Never think you’re one of the boys. Women need extra care when it comes to intimacy. And if you understand that his nose, mouth, hands and ‘the main attraction’ will be in lots of different places for (hopefully) a long time, you’ll want to make sure you are ready for your close-up. Eliminate all negatives and put your best self forward:

1. Clean body

2. Soft and smooth skin

3. Fresh breath

4. Clean hair

5. Well-groomed body hair

6. Manicured hands and feet

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Act II. Overcoming Obstacles

Setting the stage and making first, second, third (etc.) impressions are key. If you’ve had a late night out – like clubbing or just a very long date – you’ll need a refresher. As soon as you’ve hit the door, you should excuse yourself and take a shower. I cannot stress this enough. Don’t ‘hope for the best’. The memory of a funky ass won’t truly hit him until he’s either on his way home or ushering you out to yours. Do everything that you can to make the experience pleasurable. So, if a shower is needed (or it’s been more than 6 hours since you’ve had one), take one. Don’t think he’ll deem you as non-hygienic. He won’t. He’ll definitely appreciate the effort.

Now…ahem…unless you’re reading this overseas, most men don’t care for body hair or a full bush. Unshaven women may be perfectly fine for some cultures, castes or ‘boys in the hood’; but, if you’re hoping to snag an up-and-coming – or established – professional man, I strongly advise shaving the underarms and legs. The intimate area should be neat and trim; a bikini wax or a clean shave is a must.

Make sure you have clean and stylish hair. I’m always so surprised to see women out and on a date with a dirty do. I don’t get it. If you can’t wash your hair for some possible ass, who and what will make you wash it? Dirty, dry or greased, fried-from-the-curling-iron hair (or just plain dirty hair) is a non-negotiable.

As a reminder, Vaseline is not a moisturizer nor will it make your skin smooth. Invest in a proper moisturizing lotion or body butter.

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Act III. After the Climax

I strongly suggest that sleepovers be conducted at your home for the first few encounters. If you need to freshen up or shower, all the necessities will be at hand. However, if you should spend the night at his place, make sure you do not overextend your welcome and risk being pushed out the door. Until you have established that you two are an item, I would advise hot-tailing it out of there. But, by all means, be smooth about it. You don’t want to come off looking like a whore.

First, be sure you are the first to rise and take a shower. Second, wake him up with morning kisses. He’ll be happy he’s greeted with a mouth full of peppermint and whiffs of fields of wild flowers. Third, thank him for a wonderful evening and get the hell out of there. Be casual, light and always in motion – engaging in dressing, putting on earrings, rubbing his tummy, etc. – while you’re saying your good-byes:

“I had a great time last night.”

If he’s a gentleman, he’ll say he did as well. – “So did I.”

Smile. Pause.

“I gotta go; I have a ton of things to do, today. Call me later?” (Flirty, but not demanding or psycho.)

(Words on ‘call me later’: It flows with the conversation and a good segue to get you out the door. If he calls, he calls. If he doesn’t, move on.)

If he asks you to stay – again – be the first one up and the first one to shower. If he wants to sit in his dirty drawls all day, that’s on him (although we preferred he didn’t). You cannot. If you stay another evening without going home, shower before going to bed.

If he warrants a shower (i.e. he’s just gotten off the toilet and has the nerve to ask ‘for some’), invite him in with a promise of a warm and soapy hand job massage! You’ll be sure to be invited back!

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Related Topics:

They Ain’t Talking ‘Bout Me

Luxe Intimate Grooming for Women

 

Whore Couture

‘What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.’ – Lucy

‘A girl must be two things: classy and fabulous.’ – Coco Chanel

Let’s get something straight right now. Unless you turn tricks for money, you are not a whore…although the area can get a little gray if you happen to pay your lover with sexual favors in hope of a Movado watch (or whatever your taste is in fine jewelry or haute couture (and on the seedier side – a rent payment or a trip to the hair salon to get your ‘hair and nails did’)). N-E-Wayz…

Please believe me when I tell you I have no qualms about women ‘getting theirs’. I’m also indifferent when ‘getting theirs’ involves an intricate juggling act of some sort. And, since I have a ‘what’s good for the goose is good for the gander’ mentality, if women want to mirror the male habitat when it comes to ‘relations’, or their current relationship, more power to them.

Unfortunately, some many most men do not share this view or care for women who have had a few – to a lot of – partners. You may be labeled as a whore, a ho or (ahem) run-through. These labels are unfair since men who’ve had multiple partners are known to be ’sowing their oats’ or, as a dashing, young gentleman told me, ‘being grown’. Fair enough. It is what it is.

With that being said, if you still want to ‘handle your business’, there is a set of guidelines a sexually free and active woman should follow. I strongly suggest you abide by them.

Firstly, if you don’t hear anything else, hear this – be discreet. Do everything possible to keep your business off the street. This includes not disclosing your business to your girlfriend(s) – (who knows what she’ll reveal to an envious ear). And speaking of envious, beware of that same BFF turned I-want-your-man who’ll surely try to put a wrench in your promising relationship. You’ll sit there stunned and dumbfounded as all of your ‘indiscretions’ innocently purr from her MAC-stained lips to the virginal ears of your lover’s. You want to tell somebody? Get a journal.

Secondly, never reveal your number if it’s over one. Never. Of course, there’s going to be some foot soldier who will cross-examine you until you crumble under pressure. Always remain cool. Always keep your number in the single digits – the low end. You can always tell him you had a steady boyfriend in high school that continued in college, or was a late bloomer, blah, blah, blah. You get the idea. If you’re above lying, pick your number from obscure categories: 6′4″ and taller, lives in same zipcode, first name begins with Q, U, Y or Z, etc.

Thirdly, never engage in whore-speak: 1) “I’m trying to get my life back together”; 2) “I’ve never done this before” (at any point of an encounter); or 3) initiating and/or engaging in conversations about sex (the worst). Always keep the conversations light. You are poised. You are cultured. You are intelligent and well-read. You are sexy and seductive. And, yes, you are flirtatious…but never (flagrantly) out-of-line.

Fourthly, never dress like a whore. Men have a keen sense of who is a whore and who is not. The first clue that you MIGHT be one is that you dress like the second coming of Lil Kim. Now, I love Lil Kim, but I know better NOT to dress like her. Throw him off his scent. You can push the envelope, but always strive for a ’scandalously elegant’ look (more on that later). Just remember there’s a reason why the best-dressed and cultured women (ahem) ‘marry well’; there are few virgins on Madison Avenue.

Lastly, have your own money. There’s nothing worse than a woman peddling men solely for money, stature, use of their cars or, as I stated before, material and financial gains in exchange for undisguised sexual favors. In these cases, the gray area may no longer be so gray. I’m just saying…

 

16 hour shift…….of being on these streets.

Some people work 8 hour shifts and are worn out. Others work 10 or 12 hour ones. But any muthufucker that works a 16 hour shift plum deserves to do whatever in sam hell he or she damn well pleases the rest of the week. That brings me to friday, where I was baited into a brief lunch outting that turned into an all day and damn near all night c’mon feet extravaganza. I just got out of a meeting and a friend called and asked if I wanted to grab some food. I was famished, and to make a long segue short, I found myself otg within the hour. That said, the remainder of the work day was a wash, I called in -due to some sort of ’stomach virus’- so my fellow footsoldier and I could let the wind of thirst blow us where it may.

How did I end up OTG during the mid-day? Peer pressure plus a inner desire to decompress from a long day. Ok, ok, how did I end up OTG mid-day? Because a ridiculously thick woman walked by (who seemed to have the same affect on two other guys a bit further down the block) and was literally responsible for my taking at least 3 shots in one fatal swig. A short while later, I found myself on an unofficial pub crawl that featured everything from growns to the coining of the new phrase, ‘mind if I stretch out’.

Me and Db got to the 1st pub that was teeming with wait staff that justified the high price of the drinks. Though we weren’t able to get in good with any of them, some growns ran up on us (I’ll leave it to the Doc to define that shit) and than had our sails filled in no time. She approached with the line, “is that guy over there really wearing black socks with gym shoes?”….Lol, which made me realize that us men don’t get enough credit for approaching women in civil, gentlemanly fashion (big ups to Black Mamba for that educational and timely piece regarding send-offs, by the way). Obviously, most guys would be fine w/it if women can just come over and sat the fuck down. She ended up sitting down and we chatted, and DB choraled her friend before she could toss them wrenches. But in true send-off fashion, once her ‘group’ arrived, she bounced out hard to be with them. I tried to ignore the whole ordeal and brush it off I saw her letting some whaaaack dude get at her. Enter: mind if I stretch out. At this point I simply smashed the rest of my strong island drink, and took a loong ass stride into the sphere where the dude and her were talking, put an arm around her all familiar like and made a quick joke that made her laugh before asking for her number loudly and making sure my phone was in full view. She gave me the number and I looked at ol’ dude, like, “what? we do like this here. ‘mind if I stretch out”…(I’m sure Doc will define this shit too, so be easy ya’ll..but the shit is funny, I promise). So I proceeded to stretch out on dudes almost the entire night, getting some good, spring-ready numbers in the process.

I’ll pass along more notes from the night once I catch up on all the work I missed from getting to sleep at 6 am saturday morning…yes, that was after leaving for lunch dammit. In the meantime, I deserve to do whatever I damn well please this week.

Cheers ya’ll,

Bruce Banner

 

Rules of Engagement

Asking a girl for a dance, her number or a date must be hard for a man. I first realized this after reading this Far Side cartoon a few years ago. And since then, I have become very sensitive to men’s emotions and feelings and have treated them with the utmost respect during this grueling and sometimes confusing process called the mating dance.

Now, this post was originally going to be titled Pulling the Trigger, a how-to guide for men on how and when to approach women. However, in light of Wile E’s send-off experience this week, I decided to change course and write simple rules for women to assure positive experiences in the ‘pas de deux of love’ (or at the bare minimum – the pas de deux of ‘kicking it’).

At times, the mating dance can resemble failed military operations. Men can’t figure out when, where and how force shall be used to proceed. There they are in front of us, fumbling, trying to say the words or ask the question, but they just can’t seem to ‘pull the trigger’. As women, it is our duty to help them out. If we’re interested, we show them they can advance – without consequence – through words and body language. We face-off, smile, engage in conversation, maintain eye contact, lightly touch their arm or leg in conversation, or give them our telephone number if they should ask for it.

An example of a face-off…in better times…

If we are NOT interested, we let them know…nicely. There is no point in being mean or disrespectful. Not only is it bad form and unnecessary, it’s narcissistic. It makes no difference if he looks like Jerome from Martin. Always show respect.

It’s also not the time to lead men on or play games. Although it may give your ego a boost, move on or you’re surely pay for it later in life (or other women will). As Coco Chanel once said:

‘If a man talks bad about women, it usually means he was burned by one woman.’

Let’s all do our part and behave as evolved and adult women.

It is extremely important that you shut him down quickly and not give him ANY window of opportunity. There should be no doubt or confusion in your answer. ‘Sorry, I have a boyfriend. Thanks anyway!’ – works every time and in any situation. It should be said in a light and fluid cadence so you don’t offend him. But, whatever you do, if you’re in motion (like walking) keep moving. Being in constant motion shows him that you are serious. If you keep standing there in front of him, it creates doubt and confusion and he may think that’s his green light to proceed and press you to change your mind. If you’re sitting, like in a club, then politely turn away from him after ‘Thanks anyway!’

And speaking of clubs, if you DON’T want to be bothered then DON’T give him any energy: eye contact, smile, wave, conversation, face-off, etc. Or, worst yet, say you’re going to be back and not return – again, totally unnecessary.

Accepting a dance can be tricky. Be firm in letting him know you’re only interested in dancing with someone other than your girlfriend(s). ‘Just to let you know, I’m only interested in dancing’ – should do the trick. The onus is now on him.

Lastly, DO NOT give him your number if you do not plan on following through. Men know they will, from time to time, face rejection. Don’t think you’re being mean by turning him down. You’re not. You’re actually doing us women a favor by extinguishing the spite fire that builds up in men who encounter women who ‘play games on their phones’.

Men have feelings just like us so please…always show respect.

 

Preamble with ‘just a twist’ of You Tube Fiya

Mornin’ people. DB Coop with an early check-in to let folks know its about to be one today. The footsoldiers are callin’ in sick and hittin’ these streets this afternoon. Collectively we held out for the whole week so we are on pent up wild and ready to release. Expect many stories of grab-ups, send-offs, a few pick-ups, plenty of hard hollers and I’m going to put it out there, I think the pick-up slob (wildin’ holy grail) has a 53.7% chance of going down today/tonight. All the pieces are in place: Friday, afternoon wild, great weather, pent up wild, and I’m picking up the twizzle (raz vodka and lemonade) in a few hours. Startin’ to look like the perfect storm, get yo’ camera phones ready….

Now for the You Tube clip o’ the week…

Now D B Cooper is a sucker for Megatron and Optimus Prime and that Transformers movie was FIYA!! The premise for this is genius. Plus, this video has hella stayin’ power, I still laugh out loud every time I hear “u better put that shit at the top of your queue.” Hell I laughed just typin’ that shit, and I’ve been watchin’ this video since Saturday. Gotta do it….